Blinded by pride

Throughout my early and most formative years, I've grappled with the frequent collision of the internal and external existential validation that comes with being an insecure young adult, and a gradually evolving independent being. Throughout my formative years, far too much weight has been granted to the opinions of those around me as a measure of my self-worth. I'm not professing this to be a phenomenon exclusive to myself, as we've all been through it, but the transition from an insecure adolescent to a self-assured adult has been a rocky - and still incomplete - journey I'm sure we can all relate to on many levels.

On paper, I've been far surpassed by most of my peers, both professionally and, depending on your yardstick - personally as well. I'm not married, nor have I had any fulfilling long-term romantic relationships, nor have I obtained any meaningful foothold on any career-ladder. I don't want this to sound like a self-depricating sob-story, because I'm for the most part very content with the decisions I've made in the dozen years since my high school teachers happily saw the back of me.

I've always been fiercely independent, and my brash sense of "I'll do it my way" has certainly fucked me in the arse (metaphorically) many times. With my aptitude and intellect I'm well aware that I could've accomplished a great many things up to this point, had I found causes worthy of my full attention - many such causes already sitting in a discard basket that've been suggested and debated by those near to me ad nauseam.

I've often felt as if motivation has been the critical link between my potential and my current state of affairs, and that's a very difficult ingredient to manipulate. The most powerful manipulator of motivation - in my opinion - is oneself, and by God do I wish I'd found the axis by which to leverage my ambition into a meaningful vocation. Through travel, work and general life experience I've been exposed to significant influence and gained invaluable insight into what's possible, through all manner of peers, strangers and acquaintances both professional and social - from all corners of the globe and from all walks of life.

Without downplaying the myriad influences I've had over the years, it wasn't until tonight that I felt a jolt of inspiration to really harness my internal drive. Sure, the paths of my mother, father and sister certainly offer their own inspiration - each excelling in their own very different paths - and I've definitely been exposed to the self-actualised success of childhood friends, but this was different.

After almost four years in waiting, I finally got to watch a web-series created and produced by one of my best friends. It's almost childish to refer to him as a best friend - to me, he's more than that. He's an individual, in every sense of the word, who's embodied just about every quality I hold high in regards to a person - driven, passionate and principled. From about age seven to now, we've conducted conversations and shared experiences as far-reaching as primary school classroom disruption, to substance-addled music festival philosophy to entirely mature life reflection, and to this day he serves as my most reliable sounding-board.

In reference to that drive and passion, this man has spent the past five years conceiving, writing, producing and showcasing a web series, which has seen he and his director tirelessly working to secure funding, secure broadcasters and screening their work at festivals around the world - not to mention the legwork involved in actually shooting the thing!

Finally, after a long wait, I was able to watch it. I hooked up my headphones, poured a generous dram (how much is a dram? I don't know, and neither do you) of whiskey and sat down on my back deck to watch it. If you know me, you'll know how impatient I am, and my focus on the expedient option goes a long way towards explaining the self-reflection of the first two paragraphs of this post. This was a long time coming.

What did I learn? Since this is what my blog is all about, I guess we should head back toward that base. I learned something about my own motivation, and what exactly kicks my arse. I mentioned the stories of my family members, and their own paths forging success - but watching my mate's work had a real effect on me. One no other peers' story has had.

Pride.

That's what I felt, watching the seven short episodes of Blind. I was genuinely moved. This is my pal. A guy I've not only been endeared with for the better part of twenty years, but also looked up to. I know I've been privy to a lot of the behind-the-scenes work that's been involved with fostering this project from start to finish, but I really was blown away. This is a guy who I've grown up with, and had very little disparity - if any - in unearned opportunity afforded us. He's worked for every millisecond of every episode of the final product, and then some. If it wasn't the quality of the production itself, it was the list of familiar names credited as supporters of the project during each episode's end credits that made me proud.

Blind is far from the only professional accolade James has to his name - the guy has been kicking arse for years. Between his first short film and this web-series, he's become more than just my dear friend, he's an inspiration. Bearing witness to the labours of somebody so close to you, at such a high level, is cause for focus. Whilst far from a competitive spur, it's a major spark nonetheless.

I'm ready. Ready not only to make my family, and closest peers - like James - proud, but I'm ready to make myself proud.

That's what I learned today.